Saturday, September 22, 2007

My World Is Lonely. And Then Again, Not.

So, first things firts. Scott and I broke up. Hence, the lonely part. But, before I get any sympathy comments, it's ok. Our relationship has been turning into more of a friendship for a while and it was finally time to stop pretending and move on. We are of course still going to be friends, but if anyone needs my number to give out feel free to call my mother! ; ) Actually, the other day a very hott man came to fix my water pressure and my roommates and I have been trying all day to find reasons to get him to come back!
Suprisingly, this blog actually isn't about break-ups or hott men. I know you're dissapointed, but I get the feeling you'll be over it quickly. It's actually about another light bulb going off in my head. Last night when Scott and I actually officially ended things between us I naturally was very upset. (I may be over it now, but it's been 24 hours. Two of which were spent therapy shopping at WalMart) After he left I naturally went inside to ruin any semblance of a figure I had left with whatever I could find in my cupboards and feel sorry for my poor self. I started thinking about all that I've lost in my life. Especially when it comes to people. As I've told many of you, being a 19 year old female living in Utah sucked rocks. (Forgive the language mom, but it is my blog) All my best friends left and my life went with them. Every guy I've ever dated is either long gone or just a friend now (which would explain why I'm not married) and my girl friends are all off getting married and having babies and doing that whole life thing. Needless to say, I was having myself a grand old pity party and feeding my depression by the spoonfull. Not my proudest moment.
Now, I like music. I like it a lot actually and rarely do anything without having something playing in the background, especially have pity parties. So my music was playing in the background during this time when a song by Rascall Flatts came on called "He Ain't The Leavin' Kind". I don't know if any of you are familiar with it, but here are the lyrics:
They tried their best to drag him outof a courthouse down in Montgomery
And now they wanna kick him out of school
And take him off our money
They can take those words off of
Paper and stone
But he ain't gone, no
Chorus:He ain't the leavin' kind
He'd never walk away
Even from those who don't believe
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind
She stayed mad at him for a lot of years
For takin' her husband
Started losin' her faith
And thinkin' that her life meant nothin'
But when she looks at those kids she raised all by herself
She knows she had some help, yeah
She knows
No matter what you do
No matter where you go
He's always right there with you
Even from those you don't belive
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind
No, noHe ain't the leavin' kind
He ain't the leavin' kind
Woo, woo
He ain't the leavin' kind
Well, the song played and I thought "Yeah, that's what I need to find. One who's not the leaving kind. Someone who is actually willing to stay and make things right even when it's not easy. Stupid men." (which was the sentence ending of choice for the night) And the music kept playing and I kept thinking. Well, the words kept coming back into my mind and replaying themselves over and over. I'm sure most of you caught onto who exactly the song is talking about the first time you heard/read it, but not me! I had to have a small lightning bolt hit me for me to figure things out. Christ. He ain't the leavin' kind. He is the ultimate relationship. Here I had been thinking of how picked on I was and how no one ever stayed around when things got rough and I'd neglected to remember the most important person. No matter what I've been through Christ has been there every step of the way. Not only every step, but even a step ahead. He is in control, He knows what's coming next and He knows what I need in order to be prepared. I have often envied my friends who come to BYU, meet the man of thier dreams right away, get married and live happily ever after while I'm still stuck in the awkward first dates/painful break-ups stage. But what I realized last night was that Christ knows what we each need. And He will walk with each of us down the paths we need in order to fulfill our purpose and mission here in life. I know, I know, everybody else got that one in primary school, but I apparently need to learn some things the calorie/tear filled way. (which is probably why I keep getting led down the rougher paths, I never did learn the easy way.)
In summary/ in conclusion/ what I basically mean to say is that I am so gratefull for my Savior. I am eternally indebted to Him for the countless hours and years that He stands by my side showing me the way I need to go. Holding me when I think I'm falling, catching me when I do fall and sometimes pushing me when I'm just to stubborn/terrified to move. I am thankful that even though He had completed His mission in life and the atonement has been fulfilled, He still does not rest. He is there helping me reach stars I'd always believed to be far and beyond my reach.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

My Wonderful World Gets Invaded

By who, you might ask? School. Happens every year. Not that this is a bad thing! This year I'm actually excited to be back in school (which if my 10 year old self ever heard me say I'd be disowned) and have my brain stop turning into mush. Saying "Auto Rx, this is Laralyn" for 9 months straight will do that to you, I promise! Classes are going to be actually interesting now that generals are done.I realize that there are some of you who actually enjoy things like science and I'm happy for you! I'm just completely relieved that I'm not that crazy! ; ) I'm taking a bunch of religion classes, a special ed class, and a "learning to learn" class (which is the one I really need most in life) so I should actually enjoy this year! Oh, and a music civlization class which I thought I was going to hate (it's at 9 am, can you blame me?) but am actually liking a whole lot so far! Although, that may just be because my professor has an australian accent, hmm...

Can I tell you what I'm really excited about? I actually have roommates that I get along with and like a lot! WOW! I was really worried at first, you see they all like wierd things like football and spongebob (shudder) but as I've gotten to know them better they are all really fun! Especially my room roommate, Missy. She has the same sarcastic humor as a lot of my friends growing up and we talk about deep stuff really easily. (and my deep, I mean boys) Another great thing, she thinks it's funny and doesn't mind a bit that I talk in my sleep! Every morning she wakes up laughing at some stupid thing I said in my sleep the night before. (apparently I speak French in my sleep, who knew?) So yeah that's all hunky dorey too!

So I've been thinking (a dangerous pastime I know). And I've decided something about conformity. First of all, it doen't exist so don't even try. (wow, so this is what philosophers must feel like while seriously stating the obvious and getting paid for it! Only, without the pay...) We were talking in my special education class about lables and grouping people. How people want to be "normal" or "popular" or whatever, when in actuality, none of those things exist. Odd huh? In high school you can totally get away with the belief that to "be like Mike" will make you happy and everyone will love you. When you get out into the "real world" (quotes in order seeing as I don't actually count Provo as the real world and that's the only place I've been) it's much more apparent that there is no Mike. Ha! Imagine that! You can be whoever you really are and people will like you! The only "unpopular" people in the world are those who are still chasing after that image. Those still trying to be the thinest cheerleader or the smartest bookworm.

So, after having that lightning bolt of inspiration I came up with another question. If there is no Mike, how do we know who to pattern our lives after? Who do we follow? We learn in church to become like Christ. This is all well and good, but that's not really what I'm talking about. We can be Christlike and end up a million different ways. How do we know what to do, how to act, what to be, where to live all that jazz? I love my parents dearly and the lives they've chosen for themselves are all well and good (and Christlike might I add) but not at all where I want to be. I would go INSANE if I lived in Utah with 8 kids. Well, actually I'd go insane if I lived anywhere with 8 kids, but that's beside the point. Back to how do we know what to do with our lives. This question really has been being buggy to me lately. And for those of you not yet fluent in "lynish" that translates into "causing much reflection and prayers". But I think I may have come up with the answer. I have decided the secret lies in the Patriarchal Blessing. Now I'm no expert on the subject and this is all the gospel according to Laralyn so don't shoot ok? But from my logic and reasoning I've decided that one of the main purposes of the Patriarchal Blessing is to not only give us direction in our lives, but help us see the Mike we can be. I don't know about all of you, but I definatly don't read my blessing and go "Aww man! Do I really have to be that person? I dont' want to do all that stuff. Shoot" it's more along the lines of "Are you serious? Could that possibly be me some day? I could think of nothing better!" Christ knows our hearts, minds and souls. He knows more than anyone who we can and would want to be. And by having Patriarchal Blessings He is giving us a role model. A Mike for our lives who we actually can be. The perfect version of ourselves for this live. An attainable perfection. The ultimate popular you. Dang. That's pretty cool. At least, it is to me. Don't know if it even makes sense at all to anyone else... oh well! It's my blog!

Anyway, it's time now for me to go try to be domestic and cook dinner. (Hey! Hey! Stop that giggling right now!)